I’ve been spending a lot of time online the past few days. Like you, I’ve been looking for answers, comfort, reassurances. I’ve found very few real answers or reassurances, but plenty of comfort and wisdom – particularly from middle-aged and older women who have already been through so much in their lifetimes. There truly are an incredible number of amazing humans out there. We are not alone in this struggle; nor have we ever been. It is our past for women, people of color, Native Americans, and marginalized people in the United States, and it remains all around us worldwide.
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Originally published January 9, 2024 on my Substack publication: https://amiddleagedsurvivor.substack.com/ This past year my healing took a big leap forward, and I give credit in part to music for that. Both because of something I learned in a Polyvagal/Nervous System course I took last year around this time and because I’ve recently realized how important music is to me after too many decades of letting its steady presence seep out of my life. Always curious about different modalities that could complement my healing journey, last winter I signed up for an eight-week class by Australian nervous-system-healing guru Jessica Maguire. I
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Being sexually assaulted, abused and/or raped is life-altering for victims. We feel ripped away from our former selves and forced to wander a strange and unfamiliar path trying to hunt for pieces of who we once were and getting to know the strangers we have become. All while trying to heal and feel safe again. All while our traumatized brains and bodies continually become dysregulated by events and interactions in a world that moves forward at its usual fast pace. Many of us lose friends and other relationships either because some people suddenly don’t feel safe to us — physically
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The color of my futureis a past broke open andLaid to rest within the expanseof what’s Possible. I smile amidst bright tearsof my own making and The Molasses riptide changesto gentle Champagne.My body rests and floats,held up by imagination, bubbles.My own strength. Yours. Dread spins into nothingness.I am the Curiosity that remains. I am MagicI am WholeI am SafeI am Here That noon hour of painand fear dissolves ina mixture of blues, pinks,purples and golden glitter.Exposed to light —the static & chaos recede Abracadabra! I Say:With my file folder of words.Because I am Powerful. I am NowI am the calm
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Trigger Warning and Note:This piece includes a description of a sexual assault with a weapon, a “fight” nervous system response, and a description of acute PTSD symptoms. Please note that every person’s nervous system is unique and would respond differently to a life-threatening situation. … I am publishing this Victim Impact Statement both as a resource and sample/example for other survivors contemplating or going through the justice process, as well as to illustrate the profound effects of sexual violence. *** I have always intended to publish (eventually) the Victim Impact Statement I wrote for and presented to the presiding judge
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My Love, I know how frustrating it is to be triggeredand down again after weeks or months of feeling good and strong. You are angry.You are tired of fighting.I know this, Love. But hold on, dear.Listen to the waves and energyof your own growth, your path.The pattern. It’s coming … The good is circling back aroundto find you once again. And catch you by surprisewith its light reignited. Art by Dianne Hammer Please subscribe to this blog to continue following my healing journey. You can also follow me on social media at: Instagram: @amiddleagedsurvivorFacebook: @amiddledagedsurvivorSubstack: @amiddleagedsurvivor Wishing you love, peace and sparks
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(Trigger warning.) I took this selfie one week after a registered sex offender walked into a bookstore on a busy urban thoroughfare where I was working, engaged me (groomed me) in conversation about the literature genre of science fiction and other topics for 30 minutes, waited for the store to clear, lured me out from behind the check-out desk to show him a specific author’s books, and attacked me from behind. In this photo I was at the kitchen sink, cleaning the knife wounds and stitches on my hand, and it occurred to me for the first time at that
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This photo was about four weeks AFTER in 2018. My husband helped pace me to a third-place, age-group finish. I was running on pure anger and adrenaline and determination and yelled, “Fuck Him!!!!!” inside my head when I crossed the finish line a second after this photo was taken. Or maybe I yelled it out loud. I don’t remember. But it was very satisfying and I’m so appreciative of John for helping me achieve that. I felt incredibly empowered, and I still have that race result on my fridge five years later. It was the first super-positive experience I had
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QUIETLYOur hearts wait While we grieveAll that was unfair While we retrieveAll we hid away While we FEELAll we made numb Art and Words: Dianne Hammer Please subscribe to this blog to continue following my healing journey. You can also follow me on social media at: Instagram: @amiddleagedsurvivorFacebook: @amiddledagedsurvivorSubstack: @amiddleagedsurvivor Wishing you love, peace and sparks of joy wherever you are on your healing journey. It is my wish with all that I do and all that I write about for you to know that you are not alone. Warmly, Dianne
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Trust the journey. Trust yourself, Dianne. Trust. I kept telling myself this. I needed to trust. And to draw from everything I’ve learned so far when I was in a funk this past fall. When I was depressed. Yes, I’ll say the word that people sometimes have a hard time saying: I was “depressed.” 2022 was a really hard year for me with initial Lynch Syndrome screenings and related surgeries; a long bout of Covid; continuing, successive and confusing joint issues and pain constantly interfering with my hopes of finding physical strength and fitness again; and a persnickety digestive system
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